Should You Give Up Your Goal of Passing as a Woman?
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Passing as a woman is the Holy Grail for many TG ladies. But it is really a goal worth pursuing?
If you’ve been afraid to show your feminine side for fear of “not passing,” it might be time to rethink your priorities.
I believe everybody has the potential to pass, but let’s face it … it’s not always easy! It can take years to master all the subtleties of walking, talking, and acting like a woman. And depending on your physical makeup, you might even require surgery to be truly passable in all situations.
These are necessary investments for transsexual females on their way to becoming full time. But if you’re a crossdresser with a full time job and a family, then trying to become 100% passable is probably not practical.
Rather than getting hung up on “passing” vs. “not passing” (didn’t we get enough of that in grade school?), I suggest you make it your goal to “blend in” instead. Blending in means that you look girly enough not to stand out in a negative way, even if you aren’t 100% passable.
The key to blending in is to create a harmonious female image. Dress appropriately and act natural. Most people don’t scrutinize everybody around them, so unless there is something glaringly off about you, you are unlikely to attract a second glance.
Does this mean 100% of the population will think you are a genetic woman? Probably not. But it doesn’t matter.
The happiest transgender women I know don’t care whether they pass or not. They care about being themselves.
Passing is great when it happens, but there’s nothing wrong with being seen as the transgendered woman that you are! As long as you choose the right environment and present yourself well, you are likely to be met with acceptance.
Now I’d like to hear from YOU! Do you try to pass when you are out en femme? Or are you proud to be seen as a transgender woman? How important is “passing?” Please leave me your comments below!
Love,
Lucille
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Unless one is a drag queen, I think that if one is to venture out into the public as a woman one should pass. The consequences of not doing so make me shudder.
I am a motivational speaker, addressing women’s gatherings on a regular basis. If I did not pass it would be disastrous.
Samantha
I see great value in your viewpoint Samantha regardless of what others here might say. Passing in public is more important to some girls then others. And in some cases, is a requirement in order to live day to day for their job or other reasons.
Sure…there are those that believe not having to pass is a moral issue. To them? Well, if your having issues passing and it doesnt bother you, great. But if you feel inside you need to pass, who is anyone else to judge you for wanting to appear as natural as any other woman out there…genetic or not.
Wow Samantha, you speak of not passing so grimly! You do realize that MOST people on this blog do not pass a 100% of the time, including yours truly? Your rhetoric is a little too ominous, in my opinion. An example: I don’t always pass, and I’m still in one piece
Also, I find your use of the word “should” mildly offensive. “Should” has a moral impetus, such as “one ought to,” or “one must” which of course implies that one can if one tries hard enough. There are many, many transwomen who will NEVER pass in spite of great effort. I think that was the whole point of the blog, i.e. don’t get hung up on passing but rather try to blend in–you’ll have more fun!
thaks for your helping hand for people of who are in desire of trans women tha Q LUCILLLE
I work hard on passing and looking my best!! That doesn’t always mean dress to the 9s, but giving that womanly look as much as possible.
hi lucille
for me passing as a woman is important but its not at the top of my list as i dont care much what people think as long as i’m feeling happy and confident and more importantly feminine its really all that maters as i’m far from having pamela anderson’s looks i look more like hulk hogan in a dress he he he
Interesting article, I obviously try to be as femme as possible but I know Im not perfect !. If I pass, Im happy but am always trying to better my demeanour and image
I’ve been waiting a long, long time for someone else to note this for discussion.
As a ts who has been full time for over 15 years, I pass most of the time. I notice, though, that passing matters less and less as I get older.
The way I put it with the younger transgendered I often counsel is this: “PASSING IS MOST IMPORTANT AT THE 7-11!” – and by that I mean that you ought to be able to grab your Big Gulp without harassment. Beyond that – the fact is the better I know you, the more likely it is that we’ve discussed my tg nature. That nature IS part of me – a part I will not deny. I mostly care about passing with those who DON’T know me.
To me being transgendered is about being authentically myself – not about being seen as anything other than myself.
I love me. It’s taken some time to get to that, though…
Your so right! I’ll never look perfect! There will always be some trace of male in me! But, I desperately want to look like a girl, not myself! I have friends that when they dress I would never guess it was them! I’d be happy with success like that!
After all, I do enjoy when people stare at me anyway! Sharing my little secret with a stranger, getting giggles and smiles from the women, at the mall is awesome! It’s a wonderful feeling for me, when I’m noticed!
Dear Lucille,
As a transgender I lived for years with the thought that I would never be accepted for being dressing and acting the way I do but I figured out that I don’t need anyone’s approval to be the woman I am. Clothes,surgery and makeup do not fully define who a woman really is, I know who I am inside and I know I am a woman!
Good afternoon,
Love your advise. I wish that I had a mentor like you when I first started my transition.
It took me 15 long years to get to where I’m at today.
A lot of hard work & sacrifices.
I use to have a hang up just like the one you were talking about today.
Three years ago, I was going through a turning point in my life.
I was just too darn busy worrying about what I look like on the outside vs. the inside. I had to change my attitude.
Then I learned this. What we think, we attract.
If we are angry and negative all the time, we will attract nothing but angry, and negative people & situations.
Now since I learned to love myself, and thinking in a better positive manner. Since then, I found my perfect job, I fit in, and above all, I’m accepted.
I’m a professional Dowser, and I’m a firm believer in the Law of Attraction. I work with people to improve on their life through energy management.
Hope to chat some more, and thanks again.
Peace, Light & Love Katt
I agree with Felicia that is “difficult to give up some sexiness.” I think acceptance is the real goal. Some think passing or blending is required for acceptance – and maybe it is for a fraction of the people you are around. Acceptance has to start with yourself.
Yes Joni,
I can blend in when I am in drab but when out and about, I sometimes prefer not to blend but to stand out. If that draws attention to the fact that I was not born female, so be it.
How important is passing? Well it does help to come close. as a full time Realtor I am in the public eye a lot more than many of us. I have to agree that blending in is so much more important, most people do not give me a second glance. Some people might have questions and never ask. Over all I am treated very well. At the same time I am more concerned about me and how I feel, not what the rest of the world thinks. I am so happy to have had my birth defect corrected that what someone else thinks really is small potatoes in comparison to my own happiness.
Rachael
Well I was never really sure weather you were a real girl or not you always look so feminine and natural.
Wow you look great Rachael! You are very passable!
Rachaell, you are beautiful. You look better than 75% of the world’s genetic girls. I’d buy any real estate you presented to me.
You really look great Rachael.
Diane
Lucille, I have worked on the getting comfortable part for so long that I know do the best I can and recognize the days I am better and the days I lack. I choose my places of visitaion very carefully and always value what my wife has to say. Passing never comfortable and accepting me as me always.
I want to be a woman. I want to be the best woman I can be. Feminine dress, movement, voice are all important to me. This is who I am on the inside and who I want to be on the outside. It makes me happy.
I do my best. I hope I “pass” but if I don’t I hope I still get a passing smile and a “well done Jennifer.”
Hey Jenifer Hope all is well. And yes girlfren, you do pass. Are you going to be at SCC, unfortunately I can’t make it. But a lot of our friends will.
Hugs
Hi Lucille.
I do agree – the most important thing is being the woman you are inside. In the beginning, I used to be so concerned with passing as a natural woman. But now I am able to stroll around just being myself. Of course I worry about my clothing, what I’m wearing. I guess I love to “blend in”…
Thanks for lots of care and most helpful advices.
Love – Janne Cecilia
Hi Lucille, This is an excellent question. When I go to transgender or gay bars, I am not as concerned, but when I go to regular places, I definitely want to pass as well as possible. Sometimes it is difficult to give up some sexiness for passability however – LOL.
Most interesting. Thanks for the update.
I pass every day as i live 24/7 as a woman with no sergerys whatso ever most of all that I have learnt isits all about being confident in who you are and with some help for you as well to hone my inner gril and help me flower into the beautiful woman I am
Girl you are one passable one
xxx mona
Wow. You look really pretty! Congrats!! How long have you been on hormones? (if you don’t mind me asking)
girl you do pass .repy xx linda
I think you are spot on and I believe the biggest key to passing is being able to blend in. All the girls I know with a few exceptions would rather blend and have fun. The real test of blending is slip on some jeans throw your hair in a ponytail and go shopping. How many women in the mall are dressed to the nines?
I’m 100 % with Christy on this one. I find more and more that I get treated as female by the public in general when I’m not dressed to the nines and so obviously ‘read’.
I think attitudes have changed a lot since I was in my teens. I said the self same thing about ‘Jeans and Ponytail to a friend of mine recently.
If you are a trans woman then you ARE a woman, simple. I think with self acceptance that this naturally shines through. Although of course like any woman some times you wan’t to knock em dead and look your best .. Lisa x
I now accept myself for who and what i am. I believe you have to accept yourself if you want others to accept you. If some people cannot acdept me for who i am, then its their problem not mine
I pass 99% of the time. And I owe a lot of thanks to Lucille. She has been a tremendous help.
Gods bless you, Hon.
Hugs