Do You Want to Blend In or Stand Out as a Woman?

In a previous blog post, I wrote about “passing” vs. “blending in” as a woman.

Too many crossdressers and transgender women are so hung up on passing that they don’t let themselves take that first step out. Or if they’re out, they let their happiness be determined by where they fall on the passability scale.

Either way, it’s no fun!

Instead, I suggested that you try to blend in as a woman. Blending in means that you look feminine enough not to stand out in a negative way – even if you aren’t 100% passable.

But lately, I’ve been wondering …

Is blending in REALLY the ultimate goal?

transgender woman passing

As a genetic woman, the last thing I want to do is blend in! I wear makeup, style my hair, and dress fashionably because I want to stand out in a crowd. I believe it’s a natural feminine desire to want to be noticed.

Does your girly self share this desire?

Do you want to stand out when you are en femme (whether or not you pass)? Or do you prefer to blend in with other women and attract as little attention as possible?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, so please take my poll and leave me your comments below!


Do you prefer to blend in or stand out when you are en femme?

View Results

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  1. I say we need to stand out as trans women and face whatever may come. Let us fight for our rights to be who we are. I think that it’s sad that more of us don’t stand out. The only way we will ever be completely accepted as a gender class is to stand out and be who we are. I believe blending in is counter productive to the cause of trans community. Those of us that are strongly committed to who we are need to stand out, stand up, fight, bleed, and die if necessary to further the cause of the trans community. Unlike other demographics who can’t hide who they are, we have a responsibility to stand out and be recognized. Others have stood up for their specific groups and have fought bravely for the rights they have now. We should do no less. I think it is shameful that some of us hide or try to “blend in.” I am a trans women, unique in my looks and needs. I proudly stand 6’3″ and dare anyone to say anything to my face about how I look.

  2. Although my look blends in but I am 6’2″ in bare feet so when in heels I stand 6’6″ which stands out regardless if I am en fem or not.

  3. Of course stand out. Or blend in? One have to look at the matter from two sides. As a real women you are programmed genetically to try to stand out when looking for a man. And the man is also looking for a strong healthy women to get children with. That is the normal way. As a trans … , you can do eather ways. Blend in is the secure way. You will not be attacked and life is easy. As standing out women you always take a risk to be humiliated and in worst case lose your life. But of course. If you have not only supermodel legs but also the rest of your body is supermodels, well in that case you do not have any problems. You will be absolutely protected 24 h a day. YOU have to decide. Both ways have good sides and bad sides.
    Aunt Jullan again. :-)

  4. You guys are so lucky. I am size zero and look 16! I get laughed at for being so tiny. I am tall though 5ft 6″. Everyone keeps telling me to add weight, I am weighing 50! I just look skinny. I eat all the “high fat” products I can get, practically stuff my self with fries. I want to get FAT!!!!. Help?!

  5. I love to blend in as a woman, when I can go to the mall and everyone treats me as a female and when I shop i actually fit into rather petite female clothes, [size 4 juniors], it makes me feel so right when people call me miss or mam.

  6. Blend in or stand out?

    Al always, my answer is “it depends” (that’s my default answer for almost every question :))

    As a girl, I do want to stand out, I want to people to notice me and say how beautiful I am. But, as transgender woman, I want to blend in, to people to look at me and naturally think I am undoubtely a woman and then forget about me, in other words, be just another girl walking the street.

    It’s difficult to decide on one, but as I am right now, I don’t feel too confident on my girl image, so I’m happy if I just blend in. Later, when I feel more confident, I may start looking to stand out.

    • Since posting my tips below I have been using an an trainer – they don’t cost much and are helping reduce the flab around my tummy.

    • You’re welcome!

      I’m not a dietician, and I didn’t get any of this from a book (though I have heard one or two people mention diets involving the low-carb idea), I’ve just tried to be healthier (used to eat much comfort food).

      When I started I thought I would be constantly hungry, but my appetite is now smaller as a result. Remember, u can eat as much fruit as u want!

      If u try any of this, it would be nice (if u don’t mind) if u can please post here in a few weeks and let me know how u get on. It’d be great if I am able to help u, or even anyone else reading this.

    • Thanks for link, Cassandra.

      This is what I did to lose weight during last 5 weeks:

      * When I get up, always have big glass of fruit juice (one of ur 5 a day of fruit/veg helpings).
      * only when hungry, at least 30 minutes later, I have a low fat cereal, such as muesli with fruit; I recently heard eating a yoghurt or two a day aids weight loss.
      * for lunch, a load of salad (can be a whole mixture of things to vary it), with protein (eg tuna, boiled egg, chicken), but NO carbs.
      * for dinner, anything not too high in fat, with large helping of veg or salad but little or no carbs.
      * for desert I usually have a fresh fruit salad, or yoghurt mixed with mixed berries.
      * in between meals, if necessary I eat mostly only fruit (banana is full of energy if you are feeling low on energy)
      * drink lots of liquids, and don’t drink more than 2 alcohol units per day (preferably no alcohol occasionally).
      * don’t eat a lot just before u go to bed.
      * walk at least 30 minutes a day at a reasonable pace (can be 2 * 15 minutes if u like)
      * go jogging for at least 30 minutes, at least once a week (like me, u may not be able to run all that time non-stop, doesn’t matter, but now I can)

      If all that healthy eating sounds like hard work, treat yourself once a week – every other week, when my daughter is round for weekend, we have pizza one day and we go out for lunch. Now and again I have half a chocolate (candy) bar per day if I need a boost.

      When i’m walking, as much as possible I roll my pelvis forwards and pull my tummy in (part of the en-femme walk) – that may help too.

      In summary, cut the carbs and most of the fat, and do a bit more exercise.

      I hope all that helps – good luck, please let me know how u get on, or if u need more info.


    • Ohh, glad to hear it!

      The silicon bra I have is a cheap imitation brand, but yes, is the nubra style. This post explains ow to make the cleavage with it, but I admit that works only if you have manboobs

      I know it doesn’t seem on the photos, but that’s due to the way I take them :). Oh, and it would be nice to have some tip, thank you!

    • Hi Cassandra,

      Thanks for responding to my reply, doesn’t happen that often so I appreciate it.

      Thanks for tips, will look for the soap and be patient with the voice – I have only just started with this, and am often too tired from long days at work to try.

      When u say silicone bra, do u mean a nubra or something like that? I use breast forms, which are great for a bust but useless for cleavage.

      U say u are overweight (not that it’s obvious from the picture)? If so I can give some tips if u want – I have lost 10 pound in 5 weeks, and will try to lose at least another 8.


    • Dear Andrea.

      Thanks for your comments, I always feel better when someone says I have a feminine face!

      Anyway, here a couple comments:
      About your voice, don’t let it get you down. Feminizing the voice is a little complicated, and depending on your usual voice, it can take a lot of time to ‘train’ your chords to work as you need them to. The only secret is to practice every day and have patience. It may take a lot of time (from all the transgirls I’ve looked up for the voice, almost everyone said it took years of constant practice), but eventually you’ll see the difference.

      About my smooth skin, well what can I say? My mother always told me I had a really smooth skin (she even said once she is jealeous) so I guess it was sheer luck. Besides that, I wash my face at least 2 times per day with neutral soap, and I use one of those on the shower instead a regular soap. It does soft your skin a lot! If you want to try it, Neutrogena is a good brand.

      And about the cleavage, well, disappointingly enough, it’s just a camera trick (no photoshop, just an angle trick). I’m way overweighted, so I have (don’t like to say it, but, anyway) manboobs. Over those I used one of those silicon bras, which add a lot of volume. Finally, I used a padded bra, which is not seen under the dress, but it’s there. After that, when I shot the pic, I pulled both arms to my torax to press both boobs to the center, and then pulled down the dress to show the cleavage (it was hard enough to do this while clenching a laptop to take the picture).

      As a reference, I put this other pic of the same day in which I didn’t play whit the angles.

      Well, that’s all for now! Hope you read this, and see you later.

    • Cassandra,

      I agree entirely with your view. Alas, I have less confidence (zero) than you indicate because I know I wouldn’t pass as I am not good at feminising my face and am getting nowhere feminising my voice :-(

      You are lucky to have a feminine-shape face, whereas mine is more squarish. Also, u look to have very smooth skin and great cleavage – how do u achieve this?


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