Note from Lucille: This is a guest post by Leanne Ziler, author of The Crowded Closet and found of Leseda, a MTF makeover service located in London, Ontario, Canada.
While Leseda is no longer open for business, I wanted to leave this post up as it offers valuable advice on dating and relationships for crossdressers or transgender women.
Relationships are an important (and complex) topic, so I’m excited to bring you Leanne’s perspective. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!
Love,
Lucille
Out Of The Closet: Dating And Relationship Tips for Crossdressers and Transgender Women
Dresses, skirts, lingerie and shoes – where do you put all the shoes?! It doesn’t take long for a closet to fill up. The more cluttered it gets, the harder it is to tell what’s there and what fits beautifully on you.
The same can be said for the metaphorical closet. The longer you keep yourself hidden, the harder it is to see who you really are. That is a great loss to yourself and to your partner.
Hiding who you are takes a lot of energy that is better spent on keeping the sparkle in your relationship and enriching your experiences in life. It also causes a lot of stress and unnecessary strain on you and your relationships.
If you are concerned that your secret life will hurt someone you care about, or that they will think less of you, consider instead that they are missing the opportunity of knowing the truly beautiful person you are. You are actually robbing them of the opportunity to love you completely.
The exciting thing about being in love is wanting to know everything you can about the person who makes your heart sing. You want to know their private intimacies, how they think, what turns them on, their history and story that made them who they are. Why would they not want the same of you?
I encourage you to love yourself first. Loving who you are, without shame, loving the whole you, frees your spirit so you can grow to be all that you are meant to be. What a gift to give yourself! What a gift to give your partner!
There are far too many crossdressers and transgender women in the closet. I have heard enough stories about secrets, but I have also heard many stories of success. Secrets hurt and indicate shame.
Being yourself is not shameful. It’s time to come out of the closet, clear the clutter and make room for more shoes!
Leanne’s Relationship Tips for Crossdressers and Transgender Women
Here are some tips from couples on how to incorporate your feminine side into a successful, loving relationship:
1. Start small
If you have a huge fantasy of being a woman, full time with your wife, but you haven’t told her yet, start small!
Do little things to gradually work up to your goal. Start by painting each other’s toe nails for example. Baby steps, baby steps.
2. Tell her you love her
Assure her that you love her as well as yourself, and that you will be a better partner to her if you don’t have secrets. Let her know that she is still the love of your life.
3. Compromise
Don’t push your partner to go beyond what she is willing to do. This may take a lot of getting used to on her part, especially if you’ve been the same in the relationship for many years.
4. Make it fun
People continue to do things when they are having fun, so be playful and loving while she discovers this new side of you.
Maybe she could dress up and be someone different as well while you are en femme. Private secrets between just the two of you can be very fun!
5. Find friends
Join groups online, attend events or conferences that are non-sexual in nature so she can be assured that you aren’t deviating from your relationship with her.
Encourage her to seek out friends who are also in crossdressing / transgender relationships. Here are a couple helpful resources to start the search:
6. Get support
Seek a coach or mediator to guide you through this new phase of your relationship
About Leanne
Leanne, Transformation Maven of Lesada, located in London, Ontario Canada, is a coach and beauty consultant who specializes in empowering crossdressers and transgender women.
Lesada offers full feminization services through makeovers, cosmetics & comportment lessons, wig & breast form fittings, style consulting, life and health coaching, shopping excursions and more!
Leanne also coaches and supports couples who want to welcome crossdressing into their relationships.
I am currently married to a woman and we have been together for over 22 years and she is my main support and we will stay married even after i am female as we are great friends and even though my transformation she will be with me When we were married i still believe in my vows and no matter i will always be with her until the end she is the woman that means so much and as I keep becoming more female she says i am very beautiful and it makes me happy knowing that we are life long partners I am blessed with her and we will take each day as it comes
Hope you have the same gift of love that I have
Crissy
Well, I have been a TG since I guess about age 12. In the early 70’s I met a girl at a friends house and while I was in the Air Force at the time we corresponded and in one I did tell her I was a CD. NO problem she said and we were married, but 6 weeks after she called it quits. About a year and a half later I met another woman on a matchmaking group. Once again I told her right from the start I was CD. She not only was OK, but was supportive. Sadly she passed away 20 years ago. This summer I was simply looking on craigslist and saw a post in strictly plutonic of a woman seeking A TG Yes we are together today and While I have not had surgery and no intent, do live full time and do take hormones. She is OK with all that.
The important thing I think is to ALWAYS tell them of your TG status right from the start before anything turns into a relationship. That will prevent heartbreaks in the future.
Hey very nice article. Social aspect is very important for crossdressing as it is in all parts of life and wellbeing. We do have basic need and right for validation and acceptance as we are and not as something we pretend to be.
I am now in a full and happy relationship with my girlfriend and marriage may soon be on the horizon,i now feel i am totally embracing my feminine sexuality
Hi all
I have been happily married now for 20 yrs .
Have cross dressed since I was 10 now at 40 it is a big part of my life and my wife’s.
I told her who I was not long after we met and she has supported me in all ways . From helping me choose dress styles shoes and teaching me the magic of makeup and how to apply .
Because we were so honest and open about who we were from the beginning of our relationship it has truly blossomed. Even though our 6 children know nothing of this part of me we thanks to her understanding have developed something wonderful she even bought me my first pair of breast forms about 2 years after we married . We both asked each other the usual questions Gay ? Straight ? And Bi ? and got to say we are both full hetero she has a slight domme and control side were I am more happy to submit even tho we both truly love our vanilla sex we do venture into strapon submission etc when either of us feel the need . I just want to let you all know an understanding partner is not hard to find just be true to you and honest to them and all can come good thanks
Thank-you,Lucille.Great guest post.She has a very good website also.
Nice post but what advice would you have for single and out post op women like myself who are attracted to the male persuasion? x
Yuk… I also am post op and concerned about a relationship… My feelings are to say “so what” and not explain. What do you think?
Yup…loving the single life and am married to my music career anyways.
Yui
Sorry… my autospell maligned your name Yuki. Gomen nasai
I told my wife about 30 years ago, we have been married now nearly 38 years. She was very upset when I told her, thinking it meant I was gay and “had been with men”. Neither are true. She tolerates my dressing, I have some time to myself during the week when I can dress when she is out but she wants no part of it. Having said that, she told me which make of foundation to buy, suggested I buy a palette of eyeshadows on a flight home and gave me a lingerie set of hers which was too big for her.
Juliet :
Just read your comments, & they sounded familiar ,probably because we are All Coming Out.
My wife “found me ” 4 yrs ago, when she came home early. Son, brother, sister -in -laws, daughter -in -law :good
Married now, 35 yrs. Yes, she leaves things for me,,,lip stick, nail polish & sharing handbags. Need to tell my daughters ( in their 40 s).
Discussing with Family Relationships council.
Your picture is just Beautiful. Great look!
Enjoy being You! T.J.
Get back to me on my pics. ..be nice, I am 71YO!