Note from Lucille: This is a guest post by Leanne Ziler, author of The Crowded Closet and found of Leseda, a MTF makeover service located in London, Ontario, Canada.
While Leseda is no longer open for business, I wanted to leave this post up as it offers valuable advice on dating and relationships for crossdressers or transgender women.
Relationships are an important (and complex) topic, so I’m excited to bring you Leanne’s perspective. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!
Love,
Lucille
Out Of The Closet: Dating And Relationship Tips for Crossdressers and Transgender Women
Dresses, skirts, lingerie and shoes – where do you put all the shoes?! It doesn’t take long for a closet to fill up. The more cluttered it gets, the harder it is to tell what’s there and what fits beautifully on you.
The same can be said for the metaphorical closet. The longer you keep yourself hidden, the harder it is to see who you really are. That is a great loss to yourself and to your partner.
Hiding who you are takes a lot of energy that is better spent on keeping the sparkle in your relationship and enriching your experiences in life. It also causes a lot of stress and unnecessary strain on you and your relationships.
If you are concerned that your secret life will hurt someone you care about, or that they will think less of you, consider instead that they are missing the opportunity of knowing the truly beautiful person you are. You are actually robbing them of the opportunity to love you completely.
The exciting thing about being in love is wanting to know everything you can about the person who makes your heart sing. You want to know their private intimacies, how they think, what turns them on, their history and story that made them who they are. Why would they not want the same of you?
I encourage you to love yourself first. Loving who you are, without shame, loving the whole you, frees your spirit so you can grow to be all that you are meant to be. What a gift to give yourself! What a gift to give your partner!
There are far too many crossdressers and transgender women in the closet. I have heard enough stories about secrets, but I have also heard many stories of success. Secrets hurt and indicate shame.
Being yourself is not shameful. It’s time to come out of the closet, clear the clutter and make room for more shoes!
Leanne’s Relationship Tips for Crossdressers and Transgender Women
Here are some tips from couples on how to incorporate your feminine side into a successful, loving relationship:
1. Start small
If you have a huge fantasy of being a woman, full time with your wife, but you haven’t told her yet, start small!
Do little things to gradually work up to your goal. Start by painting each other’s toe nails for example. Baby steps, baby steps.
2. Tell her you love her
Assure her that you love her as well as yourself, and that you will be a better partner to her if you don’t have secrets. Let her know that she is still the love of your life.
3. Compromise
Don’t push your partner to go beyond what she is willing to do. This may take a lot of getting used to on her part, especially if you’ve been the same in the relationship for many years.
4. Make it fun
People continue to do things when they are having fun, so be playful and loving while she discovers this new side of you.
Maybe she could dress up and be someone different as well while you are en femme. Private secrets between just the two of you can be very fun!
5. Find friends
Join groups online, attend events or conferences that are non-sexual in nature so she can be assured that you aren’t deviating from your relationship with her.
Encourage her to seek out friends who are also in crossdressing / transgender relationships. Here are a couple helpful resources to start the search:
6. Get support
Seek a coach or mediator to guide you through this new phase of your relationship
About Leanne
Leanne, Transformation Maven of Lesada, located in London, Ontario Canada, is a coach and beauty consultant who specializes in empowering crossdressers and transgender women.
Lesada offers full feminization services through makeovers, cosmetics & comportment lessons, wig & breast form fittings, style consulting, life and health coaching, shopping excursions and more!
Leanne also coaches and supports couples who want to welcome crossdressing into their relationships.
After 20 years I told my wife. I expected to be calling my lawyer. After the usual questions, she said “why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Did I get lucky? No. I’m just a CD but if a wife would divorce a CD because of some clothes, there was no true love there. Don’t blame yourself or your dressing. The wife is the one with the problem. Julie
Hi – I live now 24/7 as a woman since I have retired. I absolutely love being a woman. I met a very wonderful man recently who treats me like a queen! I love the attention he gives me and he is very secure in his manhood. So far so good!
Here I am yesterday at Macy’s trying on some dresses for a big night I have coming up with my boyfriend!
Hi Lucille
Great article, I been trying to date men but with no luck, unfortunately men think of transgender women as sexual objects and they think that be a transwoman is only about sex and most of this men ignore the fact that a transwoman is like any other Woman in the world who wants to be love and treated with respect, but i know that I going to meet
a man who going to love me and accept me for who I am.
Much love Joanna xoxo
I think you look great. Better than me in a dress. I have many dresses, but usually don’t go out in them. Next Saturday will be one exception. Buffalo, NY has their annual breast cancer 5K walk. There will be 10,000 walkers dressed in pink. I’m going to wear a pink dress with big, black polka dots. Everything pink.
Hi,
I don’t think that about transwomen. But I am looking for a woman that wants me as a crossdresser. Going to stay a man, but wish I were a woman.
Thank you xoxo♡
I know you are right. But being up front on the dating site means no response. I know from doing that. When I eliminated my feminine side, got lots of responses. Thought if women got to know me first, like me, they’d be more understanding. It did work for 2 women. But didn’t last.
One of the 2 women, we fell in love quickly, in 3 months, before I told her. I cried while telling her, and she hugged me. It lasted 3 yrs, but left because of it.
You are right, lot’s of crash and burns. I’ve been trying 14 yrs. Had a few that lasted a few months, a couple a year and the one mentioned above, 3 yrs. When I get ready to give up, get a new email from another lady. Keeps me trying.
Thanks for your comment.
I don’t pass 100% in public, but I’m lucky enough that my male and female personas look so different that I have “plausible deniability” so I’ve never worried too much about putting pictures of myself online. So I joined a “regular” dating site, in the male section, but all my pictures were en femme. My profile explained that I enjoy dressing and felt it would be very unfair to put up a profile as a man and at the end (or worse, after the first date) to say that I enjoy dressing, so I was just being up front about it. I also stated that I understood I wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but I make a good girlfriend & boyfriend in one package. I got about a dozen responses that said “You’re not my cup of tea, but I admire your bravery and honesty. You go girl”. And yes, I would take my time and would write what I thought were very respectful messages to women on the site and sometimes I wouldn’t even get a “no thank you” – just a ‘Block User’. However, after a couple of years I met my current fiance. We’ve been dating for a year and a half and we’re getting married in 3 weeks – and I’m wearing the wedding gown. She wants me to be the center of attention. She’s intelligent, financially stable and has a heart of gold. We can watch the shopping channel together and buy dresses one night and watch a Dodger game and yell obscenities at the umpires the next night. So be honest, be patient, and be strong when the rejections come, but go back to being patient. It can work.
Hi Lucille honey goodness girlfriend I’ve pretty much given up on finding someone to share my life with after losing my wife to illness in January 2014 I’ve tried a few times the first scammed me online dating on chemistry.com I continued looking without much success a few nibbled which didn’t last long on POF online dating is a joke in my opinion then I met someone through a friend but it didn’t work out she just stopped talking to me after I opened up to her which she asked me to do she pretended to be understanding but it was over as soon as I told her it hurt a little but I’m rather used to that rejection here in Oklahoma most people here are so judgemental my wife thought I was solid gold in her opinion but anyway life goes on Love You Girlfriend Love MJ
My significant other/ wife knows that I wear panties and bras I also have nighties she does not mind that is as far as I have gone as a cross dresser.
I was blessed to reunite with a woman I’ve known since we were 14 and she’s been the most unlikely of women that I figured would be TRULY accepting . She loves me as much as a woman as a man . There’s no weirdness in us being in public or anything . I’ve been on hormones for two and a half years , so my courage level is a little better , but it’s still a rocky road . She loves me and I love her because she completes me !
Great! You are very lucky, wish I could find someone like you did.
Jim
Jim , it took a very long time , with LOTS of crash and burns along the way. I think it really boils down to this ; be honest . With yourself and with your boyfriend or girlfriend . About everything . The ones that are true will be understanding, the others won’t . It’s scary to tell a woman that you yourself are feminine or bisexual or all the above . It’s better than getting years down the road and having to explain everything . My girlfriend knew 90% of everything before we started officially dating . Be open , Jim .
Lucille, I have been crossdressing ever since I was a teenager and now I am in my 40s and my wife knows all about my crossdressing and understands and she also supports me in my crossdressing she also thinks it is very cute and sometimes it turns her on,She really likes it when I put on my swimsuits.