Note from Lucille: This is a guest post by Leanne Ziler, author of The Crowded Closet and found of Leseda, a MTF makeover service located in London, Ontario, Canada.
While Leseda is no longer open for business, I wanted to leave this post up as it offers valuable advice on dating and relationships for crossdressers or transgender women.
Relationships are an important (and complex) topic, so I’m excited to bring you Leanne’s perspective. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!
Love,
Lucille
Out Of The Closet: Dating And Relationship Tips for Crossdressers and Transgender Women
Dresses, skirts, lingerie and shoes – where do you put all the shoes?! It doesn’t take long for a closet to fill up. The more cluttered it gets, the harder it is to tell what’s there and what fits beautifully on you.
The same can be said for the metaphorical closet. The longer you keep yourself hidden, the harder it is to see who you really are. That is a great loss to yourself and to your partner.
Hiding who you are takes a lot of energy that is better spent on keeping the sparkle in your relationship and enriching your experiences in life. It also causes a lot of stress and unnecessary strain on you and your relationships.
If you are concerned that your secret life will hurt someone you care about, or that they will think less of you, consider instead that they are missing the opportunity of knowing the truly beautiful person you are. You are actually robbing them of the opportunity to love you completely.
The exciting thing about being in love is wanting to know everything you can about the person who makes your heart sing. You want to know their private intimacies, how they think, what turns them on, their history and story that made them who they are. Why would they not want the same of you?
I encourage you to love yourself first. Loving who you are, without shame, loving the whole you, frees your spirit so you can grow to be all that you are meant to be. What a gift to give yourself! What a gift to give your partner!
There are far too many crossdressers and transgender women in the closet. I have heard enough stories about secrets, but I have also heard many stories of success. Secrets hurt and indicate shame.
Being yourself is not shameful. It’s time to come out of the closet, clear the clutter and make room for more shoes!
Leanne’s Relationship Tips for Crossdressers and Transgender Women
Here are some tips from couples on how to incorporate your feminine side into a successful, loving relationship:
1. Start small
If you have a huge fantasy of being a woman, full time with your wife, but you haven’t told her yet, start small!
Do little things to gradually work up to your goal. Start by painting each other’s toe nails for example. Baby steps, baby steps.
2. Tell her you love her
Assure her that you love her as well as yourself, and that you will be a better partner to her if you don’t have secrets. Let her know that she is still the love of your life.
3. Compromise
Don’t push your partner to go beyond what she is willing to do. This may take a lot of getting used to on her part, especially if you’ve been the same in the relationship for many years.
4. Make it fun
People continue to do things when they are having fun, so be playful and loving while she discovers this new side of you.
Maybe she could dress up and be someone different as well while you are en femme. Private secrets between just the two of you can be very fun!
5. Find friends
Join groups online, attend events or conferences that are non-sexual in nature so she can be assured that you aren’t deviating from your relationship with her.
Encourage her to seek out friends who are also in crossdressing / transgender relationships. Here are a couple helpful resources to start the search:
6. Get support
Seek a coach or mediator to guide you through this new phase of your relationship
About Leanne
Leanne, Transformation Maven of Lesada, located in London, Ontario Canada, is a coach and beauty consultant who specializes in empowering crossdressers and transgender women.
Lesada offers full feminization services through makeovers, cosmetics & comportment lessons, wig & breast form fittings, style consulting, life and health coaching, shopping excursions and more!
Leanne also coaches and supports couples who want to welcome crossdressing into their relationships.
After attending as a guest 5 different TG group counseling sessions while on business trips (Phoenix, Seattle, Portland, twice in SF) and hearing the heartbreaking accounts of broken marriages, no more relationships with sons and daughters, their spouses, and grandchildren, I met with a local TG counselor here in LA for 4 months to talk more about this, and she confirmed that it’s very rare to have coming out go smoothly and end up positive. So I opted for a VERY slow, gradual discussion with just my wife and let each successive step we took always come from her. As part of my middle age body changes, chronic ED, low-T, elevated estrogen levels in my annual physical blood test, and significant breast development over 5 years on Fenugreek and progesterone, I proceeded patiently on my wife’s terms to wearing one of her old bras, to eventually over 3-4 years having her shop with me to get my own bras, and (too long for this post) got to nylon men’s thongs, then women’s nylon/lace panties, women’s jogging tops and leggings, my own long hair, growing my nails out, keeping my legs shaved smooth, more and more unisex then women’s casual clothing around the house (skinny jeans, knit tops, camisoles), and fun PJs/nighties/camis for sleeping. We keep all this very private for just us, and still have our longtime friendships with other couples and maintain great contact with all our family. Going away together now includes (her idea) going for a long morning walk together as two women (she thinks it’s fun to have me pass alongside her out in public like that). Not yet to dresses, slips, skirts, blouses, jewelry, make-up (we may never get there). But I add all those extras on my business trips for an extra 2-3 days out as Cathy in another city. Considering where we were (NONE of this) 38 years ago, I’m very happy with where I’m/we’re at now, and will not push for any more, but only do more at her leading the way.
Very comfortable being mostly male and but often very female. Have just returned from an LGBT Weekend Festival. What a greatly enjoyable and fun experience!
Warning. The majority of family relationships will implode if you come out as transgender. I have been out for 8 months now and have no relationship left with my wife of 32 years, two adult sons and two grandchildren. We were all very close. My wife knew of my cross dressing before we married and my children have known all of their lives. Whilst you may be being true to yourself and can no longer live the lie be assured that no matter how close you are, the odds of maintaining any sort of relationship are very small. This example I have seen repeated over and over here in the trans community in South Australia. I had the doctor out today because I stopped taking my anti-depressants. Suicide, substance abuse and alcohol problems are also in the community. Whilst the general public and others have been very accepting do not rush into your decision. Although it is the same you, families are not necessarily accepting when it is so close to home. Having said that, whatever you decide, good luck with your choice and make sure you have LOTS of support around you.
I told my wife and she accepted and supported me 100%. She took all my pics, went out with me, shopped with me………so happy xxxxxx
Your very lucky. I lost all. A marriage of 23 years children and grandchildren plus all who I thought were friends. Hope it keeps working for you.
I haven’t lost anyone of consequence yet, but I fear for the future because my wife doesn’t approve. My family will always be there for me as they have always been in the past when I lived as a woman. I don’t want to lose my wife, she is wonderful. I am stuck between a rock and a soft place.
I’m trying to get wife to learn me and let Gail come out but she don’t like me being en femme
Be “Gail.” You need be no one else.
Wonder full speak in truth!
I have difficulty with this article’s approach of almost making one feel guilty about being closeted. Canada may be a great place to be us, but most of us don’t have the privilege of living there. I have a feeling I don’t have to tell most of you how complicated-to-dangerous it can be @ many other places in the world. IMNSHO this piece should be significantly revised to take more account of the rest of the world. I don’t begrudge the author’s trying to help — In fact, since she’s practically in my backyard, I may look into what she may be offering.
I recently Socially Transitioned/24-7 in a pretty liberal town surrounded by countryside. So freeing but also nerve-wracking! Tho I still butch it up for auto mechanics, since I still have a clearly male legal name (working on that too!). I’m also still avoiding the Walmart ladies’ room in favor of their “family/disabled” single-user rest room. #babysteps! 😉
Best wishes,
Teri
Hi Teri,
Thanks for your comments. I’m positive that Leanne’s intention is not to make anybody feel guilty about being closeted. In an idea world, everybody would be out and proud – but we understand that’s not the reality for many people. Many choose to come out to their partners, but keep their feminine sides private. This is such a personal matter – there is no right or wrong.
Congratulations on transitioning! You are fortunately to live in a liberal town. You are right that environment is important and not everybody is this lucky.
Hugs!
Lucille
Having said that……..the closet is no friend of we in the open!
I have always been truthful with women I date and have had a lot of burn and crashes. I am with lady and she has a 13 year old daughter. In June 05,2017 my name was officially change through the courts to Tonya Renee Schechter and there is no middle name. My future wife has accepted me for who I am. I am a transgender female and I live as a female 24/7. Her daughter has accepted as well and calls me Big Mommy. It takes a lot of hard work and understanding and love to make a relationship work. My doctors and all the nursing staff at the Cancer center I am a female to them. I have been out of the closet sense 1999 and Nov. 16, 2017 I will start HRT.
LOVE EVERY ONE
Tonya Renee