Note from Lucille: This is a guest post by Leanne Ziler, author of The Crowded Closet and found of Leseda, a MTF makeover service located in London, Ontario, Canada.
While Leseda is no longer open for business, I wanted to leave this post up as it offers valuable advice on dating and relationships for crossdressers or transgender women.
Relationships are an important (and complex) topic, so I’m excited to bring you Leanne’s perspective. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!
Love,
Lucille
Out Of The Closet: Dating And Relationship Tips for Crossdressers and Transgender Women
Dresses, skirts, lingerie and shoes – where do you put all the shoes?! It doesn’t take long for a closet to fill up. The more cluttered it gets, the harder it is to tell what’s there and what fits beautifully on you.
The same can be said for the metaphorical closet. The longer you keep yourself hidden, the harder it is to see who you really are. That is a great loss to yourself and to your partner.
Hiding who you are takes a lot of energy that is better spent on keeping the sparkle in your relationship and enriching your experiences in life. It also causes a lot of stress and unnecessary strain on you and your relationships.
If you are concerned that your secret life will hurt someone you care about, or that they will think less of you, consider instead that they are missing the opportunity of knowing the truly beautiful person you are. You are actually robbing them of the opportunity to love you completely.
The exciting thing about being in love is wanting to know everything you can about the person who makes your heart sing. You want to know their private intimacies, how they think, what turns them on, their history and story that made them who they are. Why would they not want the same of you?
I encourage you to love yourself first. Loving who you are, without shame, loving the whole you, frees your spirit so you can grow to be all that you are meant to be. What a gift to give yourself! What a gift to give your partner!
There are far too many crossdressers and transgender women in the closet. I have heard enough stories about secrets, but I have also heard many stories of success. Secrets hurt and indicate shame.
Being yourself is not shameful. It’s time to come out of the closet, clear the clutter and make room for more shoes!
Leanne’s Relationship Tips for Crossdressers and Transgender Women
Here are some tips from couples on how to incorporate your feminine side into a successful, loving relationship:
1. Start small
If you have a huge fantasy of being a woman, full time with your wife, but you haven’t told her yet, start small!
Do little things to gradually work up to your goal. Start by painting each other’s toe nails for example. Baby steps, baby steps.
2. Tell her you love her
Assure her that you love her as well as yourself, and that you will be a better partner to her if you don’t have secrets. Let her know that she is still the love of your life.
3. Compromise
Don’t push your partner to go beyond what she is willing to do. This may take a lot of getting used to on her part, especially if you’ve been the same in the relationship for many years.
4. Make it fun
People continue to do things when they are having fun, so be playful and loving while she discovers this new side of you.
Maybe she could dress up and be someone different as well while you are en femme. Private secrets between just the two of you can be very fun!
5. Find friends
Join groups online, attend events or conferences that are non-sexual in nature so she can be assured that you aren’t deviating from your relationship with her.
Encourage her to seek out friends who are also in crossdressing / transgender relationships. Here are a couple helpful resources to start the search:
6. Get support
Seek a coach or mediator to guide you through this new phase of your relationship
About Leanne
Leanne, Transformation Maven of Lesada, located in London, Ontario Canada, is a coach and beauty consultant who specializes in empowering crossdressers and transgender women.
Lesada offers full feminization services through makeovers, cosmetics & comportment lessons, wig & breast form fittings, style consulting, life and health coaching, shopping excursions and more!
Leanne also coaches and supports couples who want to welcome crossdressing into their relationships.
I’ve have always treated my wife with love and great respect. She has always put my welfare before herself. The night I revealed my secret to her was very painful for me and confusing to her. I tried to explain my past, the present and my feelings for her. I was emotional and wept. She had a few questions and quickly concluded that she could not stay in the relationship. I didn’t push it. She needed some time to think. Every now and then she came up with new questions. She asked to see my feminine belongings and I showed her. Every step in the process was humbling to me and irritating to her and she said some things out of frustration. I didn’t retaliate. I figured truth was going to set us both free one way or another. As the days went by, my health began to decline. I went into the emergency with pneumonia and pulmonary embolism. Stress, anxiety, depression, dysphoria and a blood disorder nearly killed me. My wife has been by my side the whole time and my recovery has been long. Medical bills have drained me financially, but I love my wife and I respect her greatly and she puts my welfare ahead of her own. I’m the luckiest person in the world.
My wife has concerns about what family, friends and neighbors think or might ask her in regards to the way I look. She has voiced her concerns about violence and does not want me to be in any danger. I told her when I first came out to her that I had concealed my gender issues my whole life and how difficult it was for me and that I did not want her to carry that secret for me. She is free to tell or talk about it, but if she does, I would rather not know. Knowing may add to the anxiety. However, my appearance cannot keep a secret anymore. My feminine side has become dominant. My hopes is that she’ll always want to be together. I love my wife very much. Withholding my true self from her had made me feel like I was cheating or lying. My love for her would not let my conscience rest. She has told me that since I’ve started transitioning, that my health both mentally and physically has improved. I believe so too. My love for her continues to deepen.
Thanks to all the brave amazing humans, I’ve followed this and every thread on the best M2F site on the planet. Our shared experience can only lead to love, knowledge and understanding. Love to all. Nikki xxx
I’ve had good experiences and bad ones over the years. My first wife didn’t understand it but dealt with it. Had a girlfriend for 6 years who was a very good friend to my fem self, but she was too jealous and very possessive. It didn’t work out. My wife now has a hard time with it. I’ll just have to wait and see how this turns out.
Leanne, thank you for your words of encouragement. However, for me, my wife would never accept my femme side. She is the Queen Bee in our relationship (maybe homophobic?). I have tried over the years dropping little hints and she has never responded in any positive manner. For the foreseeable future, I will remain closet cd.
If the opportunity ever presents it’s self, I would love a makeover from you.
My wife passed away three years ago. My new wife said she couldn’t do that. It took her ten months. Now she is positive and enthusiastic. The last six months has been great. Have patience and don’t give up.
i had a girlfreind that got me to cross dress she even made sure i would fall in love with womens clothing by making them part of my sex life. now with the new girlfreind she said i can wear womens underwear if that is what i have to, but no more mens outer wear either. i first thaught that is was imppossible hear i am without a stitch of mens clothing. she even has me tell the companies that i am a woman when i buy the clothing. the only problem i have is to not to pick clothes that look more femine. for when i go to work.
i have been dressing up for years but still feel scared to go out in public as i feel i will be read that i am not a lady , love the feel and way they shape you especially the corsets , showed my wife years ago but she does not approve of it
also need to work on the voice way better
love hearing about all the people here that are more courageous then me so impressed and inspired have a great day
I came out to my wife around 4 years ago now. She had known of my love for pantyhose when we first started dating and seemed good with it so I took a chance and told her I’d added a few things to it. Basically told her I enjoyed crossdressing. Of course she had all the regular questions but we talked it out and she has been very understanding and supportive with most of it. I feel very lucky to have her on board with it.
The first time my wife, then girlfriend, undressed me and saw me in panties, she gasped. Then laughed. Then peeled them off.
It has been all roses, unicorns, and rainbows ever since! For many years we were close enough in size that we only had one panty drawer, one dress/skirt closet, one make-up case. One life.
Whenever I am out alone dressed en-femme, and some guy (or gal) tries to hit on me, I just thank him and let him know that I am in a Forever Relationship.
Nice!
For me my first wife accepted it and went along with being a CD. We divorced after 17 years. Not for that reason. My wife now was open with me dressing and doing my thing but now not so much. I wish and pray that I could have way more Debbie time. I still have long nails and have long eyelashes- grande lash – and wear clear mascara every day but I long for the overall look and feminine appeal that being a CD is