I’ve observed that many crossdressers and transgender women recognize their gender identity at a young age. For some, it’s an early realization, while for others, it unfolds later in life.
I’m curious about your experience…
When did you first realize you were female or had a feminine side? Was this something you felt as a child, or did it develop over time?
I’d love to hear your story! Feel free share your thoughts in the comments below!
Love,
Lucille
You could say I knew it in the womb. The doctor listened to the fetal heartbeat and told my parents they were having a baby girl. They bought cute little dresses and picked a name – Lisa. Unfortunately, when I was born wrong they returned all the dresses. When I was 4 I would pretend to be a girl and called myself “Christina”. At 4, my parents still thought this was cute. I remember a few years later asking my parents for a Barbie doll for Christmas which really freaked out my dad. My mom (much more supportive) bought it for me.
I liked girly cartoons and when I was 9 I wanted pajamas for a certain cartoon, but the store only had a frilly pink nightgown with my favorite character. My mom offered to buy it for me (I can imagine how my dad would have reacted when I got home). But, by then the idea that boys don’t wear such things had been ingrained into me and I decided to forgo the nightgown. I wanted so bad to not only say “YES”, but ask for some matching pink panties to wear under it. But, fear got the best of me and I didn’t accept the offer. Looking back, I wish I had not let fear get the best of me.
It wasn’t until I was 12 that I determined that I came to the realization that I am a girl. By 13, I wanted to live full time as a girl (begin my transition). I decided to talk to (come out to) the school counselor. Unfortunately, he was a homophobe who told my parents that I was crazy (technically, this was the prevailing view per the DSM-IV) and needed serious psychiatric help to make me realize that I was a boy and not a girl. There ended my one [so far] attempt to come completely out of the closet and transition.
I went back into the closet [somewhat]. I would occasionally (when I could afford it) buy women’s clothing and/or makeup. Once I started growing body hair, I would shave it. I grew my hair long and was able to pass as a girl [among those who didn’t know me], much to the dismay of my father [who took every opportunity to “correct” anyone who called me “Miss” or referred to me as his “Daughter”] in front of him. I would also secretly wear a bra and panties under my “boy” clothes frequently.
When I received my Driver’s License, I was finally able to go farther from my house and would occasionally secretly take some clothes and makeup with me and put them on after leaving the house. True freedom came after I went off to college. My first two years I had roommates, so I kept it a secret. But, my third year I got my own apartment and was able to do more things as a woman. The next couple years were the most freeing time of my life, though I never did go full-time.
After college, I quit dressing/wearing makeup, but the desire never went away. I ended up moving back in with my parents for a while. Now, I have my own place again and I live as a woman on weekends [but don’t pass anymore – beard shadow, short hair]. I cut my hair for work, but am now trying to grow it back out to pass again. My employer has a 100% rating from the HRC and provides transgender coverage on their insurance [which I’m not yet eligible for.] Hopefully, they’ll hire me on full-time (so I can get coverage) and I can finally transition.
I guess I always knew. I was raised as a female until 5 or 6, when my parents thought I wouldn’t fit in. I remember wearing dresses and playing with dolls and the girls in the neighborhood. I was what they consider intersex now, but I had a small frame and little or no body hair. I started “developing” around 12-13, and was told to hide it. For most of my adolescent and adult life I have been living as a male, but with XX chromosomes and psychological testing that says I am female. it was so easy to fool the guys, but the girls would look at me and ask me if I were really a woman. I started developing facial hair in my late 20’s, and decided to grow a beard. Before I did that, people would tell me I was a ringer for my Mom, and when I did the beard she was absolutely horrified, looking like a bearded lady, probably reconsidering her decision to have me live as a male. I also cycled, and while she was alive she had me promise I wouldn’t tell a soul. After her passing, it was like the last anchor that kept me in this fake male persona was gone and I confided in my girlfriend. First I told her I was not fertile and could not father a child, but when she found my feminine supplies the jig was up! There were timing problems, and we never became intimate up to that point. After that she understood…
She was cool with the whole thing, and I loved her for that. I always felt like a monster, and she told me I was a real human being that needs to make a decision, and she was right. She will be visiting this spring, and I will be “coming out” and getting an education on the fine arts of womanhood. I always had feminine mannerisms that had to be suppressed, and would tell jokes that only the women would get and would leave the men scratching their heads.
Just before I started on the herbals (marifica and others), my chest became droopy, and I started wearing a sports bra to hide the bustline (to keep up the illusion of being male). OK, so I ALSO began to hit menopause, and the migraines were a killer, where the hormones were doing a sumo wrestling match in my bloodstream. Have you ever tried to explain to your buddy that you’re having migraines because of menopause? I didn’t, and again the women around me knew exactly what was going on, and I couldn’t hide it. SO the herbals were more for HRT, but after taking them the migraines disappeared, and my chest firmed up (I’m a 36B), and I could go without having to wear a bra during the day if I didn’t feel like it.
After my mother’s passing, I ditched the ratty beard and looked in the mirror. OMG! There was Mom in her 50’s– bustline and all. That was a shocker. That was a turning point for me. I looked at this outline of a middle-aged woman, hourglass figure, slim arms, girly legs and unkempt hair, and knew the direction I was going in, like taking a compass heading while sailing. That was what I was hiding under all the clothes. My male friends told me I was brilliant, but I just thought outside the box, and my women friends did the same thing. We think differently…in a nonlinear way. It doesn’t make us superior (well…maybe just a little…) it just makes us unique as compared to male linear thought processes. I specifically requested to work with female shop assistants because we thought the same way. It wasn’t being sexist, just practical. It worked wonderfully.
I will be coming out this spring. I don’t know if I will have the “male parts” removed (after all, unused equipment is supposed to have a high resale value, LOL). But I WILL be going femme. I predict my female friends will say “I TOLD you so!”, and the male friends, who I will undoubtedly be losing, will say, “Well, I never saw that one coming!”.
I love both groups dearly, but the illusion is not enough anymore. There comes a time when the lie becomes so hideous that it cannot be allowed to continue.
That time has come. Viva la Femme!
Your sister, Elizabeth.
Well I knew when I was about ten, and at the time I was very adamant about it, but I’m very shy and reserved so I couldn’t tell anyone how I felt. After screaming my heart out every chance I got and even trying on my mother’s clothes, I went into a state of denial. All through late middle school and High school I would have fantasies of being a girl, but I would kick myself, terrified of how people would treat me if they found out, I even had to unteach myself a bunch of really girly habits that I picked up out of nowhere. I was so scared of people finding out that I ended up becoming extremely anti-social. After coming out to my parents though my mom has actually helped me pick out clothes and taught me how to use makeup. Her words being, everyone is the way the are and all we can do is accept them. (^.^)
I have known since the age of 10 that I was the wrong gender. From pilfering old sisters clothes, to buying cosmetics 20 miles from home, to taking hormones on and off since the age of 16. I guess at this stage of my life i will die as a in between as never fulfilling my goal of SRS
I’ve always known I should have been a woman. Now at 58 I prefer to think of myself as BiGendered. I am married to a wonderful woman who I would class as BiGendered as well. We have fun with my woman side shopping, and playing at home….
TerriAnn
At the age of 7 I had the almost desperate need to be female. All through grade school and into junior high I was considered effeminate by my mannerisms, poise and spirit. Contrary to the forced masculinization attempts by all those around me, I never lost my inner need to be female. I was questioned why I walked like I did, why did I carried my books like I did, why was I so emotional, etc. I just felt natural and I never thought about it. In high school (at 14)I was 5’6″, 136 lbs, and had a great singing voice. After forced steroids (age 17) and counseling (telling me how wrong I was),I grew to 5′ 11″, 190 lbs, developed a low voice and was miserable. I lost all emotions and sympathy and empathy and turned into a non caring jerk. Since beginning my transition I have started to regain some of what I lost. People just do not comprehend the overwhelming desire to be female that we all share. It wasn’t about sex, but just trying to do what our bodies want, need and feel normal with.
Well, I can remember as a young child always wanting to be by my mom and older sisters side. I didn’t like spending time with my dad who was usually deployed elsewhere. At around the age of 12 I started sneaking and wearing my mom and sisters bra’s and panties, I was never caught but I still remember almost being caught by my dad once when I was 13, I jumped under my covers and he just said get out of bed and get dressed thinking I was still asleep. I loved wearing my sisters clothes as well, I think it felt more normal wearing her clothes than my own. I did this for a couple more years until I started playing football in high school. After high school I joined the military and for the first 10 years had no interest in it again, but when I turned 33 I found a bra that was mixed in with my laundry in the laundry room of my apartment complex in San Diego. I started again that night although I was only a closet CD at that time. Now ten years later I am on herbs and working to live 100 percent of the time as my true self Johnna.
Like Johna, I always knew that I should have been a girl,
right from birth. My Dad always liked the idea of being father to a baby boy, but Mom secretly wished I had been a girl. But Dad was never around, because his job had him traveling a lot.
When he was around, I didn’t like hanging around with him, I would cling onto Mom’s leg or her dress hem. Mom always made the excuse of ” it’s just a phase he’s going through “. Well, Mom, this is no phase, I’m out of the closet now, and guess what!!!, I’m a cross-dressing fag.
I hated to be a boy, I was always teased by the boys for
being just like the girls, I even wore my sisters old hand-me-down dresses after school and on weekends. When I was a baby, Mom gave me a doll to play with, and to sleep with, Dad thought it was girlie and dumb, but I loved that doll, and I still have her in my closet.
I am now, and always will be, a cross-dressing, intersexed, woman.
hugs and kissses,
Jayme
Hi Lucille,
I.ve known I was girl and now a woman since I was two years old. My mother would let me play with her baby doll from when she was a girl. I would hold her and talk to her as heer mother. Mom noticed me referring to myself as her mother and she said to me that I could not be a mother because I was a boy- I clearly remember getting very upset about this and shouting at the top of my voice I am so a girl!!!” When I was four I helped mom hem her skirts and loved wearing them- they were so long I looked like a little girl wearing a maxi skirt. My hair was long past my collar, not the norm for the early 50’s. I began wearing her clothing at about 6-7 and played with the neighborhood girls an played only with dolls while dressed in some of their dresses. I became the neighborhood sissy and loved it. My identity as Michelle was fixed at this time. My parents knew all about me and my inner girl all through my life and only worried about how I would find happiness as an adult. I was a teenage model in a Boy Scout sponsored fashion show and I treasure the pictures of my time in those outfits. I tried to be a guy at 20 and went into the Air Force to stay out of Vietnam-it didn’t work. I went to Hong Kong on R&R and with the help of a very understanding young prostitute became Michelle for several glorious days. Back o home and my parents had moved and disposed of all my clothing. I went to a psychologist and poured my heart out seeking some guidance. N real resources available in 1971 so I went stealth and lived a lonely life until I met my first wife. We had two daughters who also knew all about my inner woman struggles. After 14 years a divorce ended what was a happy life with suppressed feelings slowly eroding my inner core. After a joyous and lonely 5 year period I met my current wife. She loves me as a woman and feels I’m more a girly-girl than she is and fully has accepted me. We had a gender wedding at the Southern Comfort Conference in 1995 and I was a blushing bride. Now after 18 years together we are both retired and I am living about 60-70% of my life as a woman. When we are able to move o another part of the country it will be full time. Until then I am content as I can be with what my life has become.