I’ve observed that many crossdressers and transgender women recognize their gender identity at a young age. For some, it’s an early realization, while for others, it unfolds later in life.
I’m curious about your experience…
When did you first realize you were female or had a feminine side? Was this something you felt as a child, or did it develop over time?
I’d love to hear your story! Feel free share your thoughts in the comments below!
Love,
Lucille
I must be a late bloomer cause I didn’t realize I was a girl till I was 13 years old. It started as a very strong attraction to my sister’s under garments, I found myself wearing then as often as I could. I knew this was right for me because I felt so alive when I was dressed.
I suppose that like most cross dressers I struggled with my identity, I tried doing male things, and I was very good at sports, but I preferred to act out my fem side.
As I got older, my obsession with dressing grew stronger and stronger, to the point that it probably cost me two marriages. Not because they knew about my obsession, but because I could not commit to the relationship because I wanted as much time alone to explore and grow as a woman. My professional life allowed me to
travel and that gave me the opportunity to dress for many nights at a time.
I have never really come out to very many people, but there are a few, mostly women friends that know. I have told myself that I can stop when ever I want, but I am just lying to myself. It doesn’t matter how many times I purge, I find myself going out and buying clothes, makeup and wigs to replace what I discarded. So, I have finally come to the realization that I am what I am and try as I may, I will not change. So, as I sit here typing my story, I can hardly wait till I put on my makeup and wig, get my clothes on and a nice pair of heels and and be the woman I was meant to be.
Hi, Lucille.
That’s an insightful observation you’ve made, and my experience agrees with yours — a lot of transgender people that I have had a chance to talk with about this (both MTF and FTM) tend to tell similar stories.
For me, there is no question in my mind whatsoever that I really was born a girl, just unfortunately with some not-quite-matching physical parts. From as early an age as I can remember, I “identified” with women and girls. Not that it was ever a conscious thought — I just remember things like playing pretend “role-play” games and naturally choosing girl roles. I also very distinctly remember the first time I realized someone else found that a bit “odd” — it was my grandfather, and I recall him looking puzzled and asking me if I wouldn’t rather pretend to be a male character. I remember answering him with a matter-of-fact, “No!” but being a bit puzzled myself by his reaction. I can remember getting along ok and playing with some boys, but definitely feeling more at home with and preferring the company of (other) girls, which proved to be the case both with family relatives (cousins, etc) and later on at school.
So really, in my case, it was that “are you *sure* you wouldn’t rather be the boy” that over time grew into the conscious awareness that something different was expected of me. I wasn’t going to get the wear my hair the way I really thought would have been the most awesome (long, with bangs, and I soooo wanted curls!!!) — I was going to have a crew cut. My clothes were going have to be kind of dull in comparison to what the other girls were wearing, and so on.
It’s not so much that I was “unhappy” as initially kind of confused, but then I think for a lot of years I just did my best to bury all those feelings, telling myself that obviously I *must* really be a boy, since everyone else thought that was obvious — and then later on, a man. The girl was still always in my head, but for quite awhile I convinced myself that she must just be some weird imaginary “fantasy” thing I had going on. All that time I never voiced any of this to another person. Of course, she never, ever went away, to the point that eventually, she could no longer stay buried or be ignored — and now I am happy to say, I finally understand why. She is — and always has been — me. It was that “other me” that I wore on the outside for many years that was in some ways a more “imaginary” construct I put on to meet the expectations of others, but which could never quite fit me just right.
I really can’t remember the exact age, but having 4 sisters made it a little bit easier to want to think about things more feminine. I would play with them every so often, even when they brought out the dolls and things.
Most of the clothes I did try on were either my mother’s or my oldest sister, since both of us were the same size for awhile. I can remember almost getting caught in their clothes a few times. While always having the fear of being caught, that did not stop me from trying. Once I did show one of my younger sisters my mother’s old cheerleaders uniform that I found and tried on. I think that since I did wake her up to show her she never remembered it. At least she never brought it up. I also remember going to a few Halloween parties dressed as either a cheerleader or a girl going to a prom. I remember that it was so exciting being out in public and not having to worry about what someone did think. Although a few guys at the party made comments about was I really wearing pantyhose and what else was under the dress. Modesty never let me show them.
To this day I still enjoy the feeling I get when I can put on my favorite stash of clothes and feel like I am getting ready for a date.
I am going to sound like a heretic to all of you. I never coveted my mother’s or sister’s clothes and I never felt like a girl and even today I don’t feel feminine, however, in my teens and even later I have to admit that I often was taken for a girl. This mystified me and bothered me at first but later somehow I just got to wearing more and more clothes designed for women. I think that I was taken for a girl simply because I was rather pretty and boys we are told are not pretty, only girls are. My wrists are very small for my size and this was taken as a sign of physical weakness. This is not so, of course but I don’t have the kind of wrists or hands which is made for a lot of very physical work. I look good for my age and this is what others see. In a way this bothers me as I feel old inside. Anyway according to all sorts of GENDER-OF-THE-BRAIN tests I have taken online I am very feminine. If this is so, so be it but our society does not have a place for very feminine men as it should. Anyway I am surrounded by very good people so I cannot complain much. I am a very slow learner yet rather sophisticated and European as I have lived in Europe for so long as all of us siblings have. There is so much falsehood to do with SRS. For me what is most important is to be healthy and SRS would not make me more content and certainly not any healthier.
I can date it pretty precisely to when I was 7 at the very latest (although I think it is possible I knew even before then). We have some old family cine film of when my sister dressed me and my younger brother in dresses that had belonged to my grandmother (who was a dressmaker). This must have been not long after my grandmother died. I can remember that I was completely bowled over by the experience and that after that I used to play games with my brother and the girl next door where I dressed up as a princess. Around this time I also got to be a princess in a play at school (although, sadly, I was the ugly princess – my friend Melanie got to be the beautiful princess).
By the time I was 8 or 9 I had learned to hide the fact that i wanted to be a girl. I think I was especially afraid of what my older brother would think of me and I remember feeling very ashamed.
It took me many years and a nervous breakdown to come to terms that this was not just a passing phase and that the reason I felt like that was because I was basically a woman trapped in a man’s body.
By then I had two young children, who needed me to be Daddy for them (although I felt like I was really a second Mummy).
They are 17 and 19 now and they are going their own ways. So slowly and tentatively I am taking steps to be the woman I knew I was all those years ago.
And you, dear Lucille, are one of the people who has helped me enormously on that journey.
Claire xxx
I knew that I was a girl when I was 8 years old. I grew up with 6 brother and 1 sister. I played outside with my brothers, trying to be somewhat aggressive like most little boys are. I played all sorts of sports, I mainly got into hockey (8yrs). But I did enjoy, very much a lot I must say, playing dress up with my sister and her friends. I absolutely LOVED getting my nails painted even if I had a hockey game to play the same day. I didn’t care what others said because my nails were fabulous! Ever since then, I would take every chance I had to wear something girly wether it be a dress, pants or shirt. Now I’m in my mid-twenties with one kid of my own considering transition. I don’t know how to explain to him about it. To summarize, I was 8 and I was afraid to express my feelings. Love Elizabeth <3
Frustrated, aged 14, recovering from polio, alone at home for the first time I tried on one of my mother’s dresses. It felt quite good but it was a panic getting it off without ripping the seams. Next time I was alone I tried her bra, knickers, skirt and blouse. I know it sounds daft but I felt a sense of peace that had been missing. I felt that they were more me than my usual male wear.
When I was eventually able to start work and earn, after paying my housekeeping bit and allowing for fares and other expenses, I put a little aside until I was able to buy my own undies and stockings. These were worn at times when it was safe and not open to discovery. Of course, they had to be kept well hidden in a suitcase in the loft.
Outer wear such as skirts, blouse, jumpers were also added.
I have never wanted to change completely and have been happy in my dual role as Ken and Katherine. It has not always been easy but when I am my feminine side that is when I really am me. I shall be 84 very soon and my friends who know Katherine always say that I still fit the role and that they are pleased to know me
I enjoy being a girl………….
will maybe I knew and maybe I didn’t mostly because until now I haven’t listen to my feeling in any aspect of life. ever since i’ve been seeing a therapist
feeling that were hidden for so many years not only about gender have started to come to life as well as myself.