Note from Lucille: This is a guest post by Leanne Ziler, author of The Crowded Closet and found of Leseda, a MTF makeover service located in London, Ontario, Canada.
While Leseda is no longer open for business, I wanted to leave this post up as it offers valuable advice on dating and relationships for crossdressers or transgender women.
Relationships are an important (and complex) topic, so I’m excited to bring you Leanne’s perspective. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!
Love,
Lucille
Out Of The Closet: Dating And Relationship Tips for Crossdressers and Transgender Women
Dresses, skirts, lingerie and shoes – where do you put all the shoes?! It doesn’t take long for a closet to fill up. The more cluttered it gets, the harder it is to tell what’s there and what fits beautifully on you.
The same can be said for the metaphorical closet. The longer you keep yourself hidden, the harder it is to see who you really are. That is a great loss to yourself and to your partner.
Hiding who you are takes a lot of energy that is better spent on keeping the sparkle in your relationship and enriching your experiences in life. It also causes a lot of stress and unnecessary strain on you and your relationships.
If you are concerned that your secret life will hurt someone you care about, or that they will think less of you, consider instead that they are missing the opportunity of knowing the truly beautiful person you are. You are actually robbing them of the opportunity to love you completely.
The exciting thing about being in love is wanting to know everything you can about the person who makes your heart sing. You want to know their private intimacies, how they think, what turns them on, their history and story that made them who they are. Why would they not want the same of you?
I encourage you to love yourself first. Loving who you are, without shame, loving the whole you, frees your spirit so you can grow to be all that you are meant to be. What a gift to give yourself! What a gift to give your partner!
There are far too many crossdressers and transgender women in the closet. I have heard enough stories about secrets, but I have also heard many stories of success. Secrets hurt and indicate shame.
Being yourself is not shameful. It’s time to come out of the closet, clear the clutter and make room for more shoes!
Leanne’s Relationship Tips for Crossdressers and Transgender Women
Here are some tips from couples on how to incorporate your feminine side into a successful, loving relationship:
1. Start small
If you have a huge fantasy of being a woman, full time with your wife, but you haven’t told her yet, start small!
Do little things to gradually work up to your goal. Start by painting each other’s toe nails for example. Baby steps, baby steps.
2. Tell her you love her
Assure her that you love her as well as yourself, and that you will be a better partner to her if you don’t have secrets. Let her know that she is still the love of your life.
3. Compromise
Don’t push your partner to go beyond what she is willing to do. This may take a lot of getting used to on her part, especially if you’ve been the same in the relationship for many years.
4. Make it fun
People continue to do things when they are having fun, so be playful and loving while she discovers this new side of you.
Maybe she could dress up and be someone different as well while you are en femme. Private secrets between just the two of you can be very fun!
5. Find friends
Join groups online, attend events or conferences that are non-sexual in nature so she can be assured that you aren’t deviating from your relationship with her.
Encourage her to seek out friends who are also in crossdressing / transgender relationships. Here are a couple helpful resources to start the search:
6. Get support
Seek a coach or mediator to guide you through this new phase of your relationship
About Leanne
Leanne, Transformation Maven of Lesada, located in London, Ontario Canada, is a coach and beauty consultant who specializes in empowering crossdressers and transgender women.
Lesada offers full feminization services through makeovers, cosmetics & comportment lessons, wig & breast form fittings, style consulting, life and health coaching, shopping excursions and more!
Leanne also coaches and supports couples who want to welcome crossdressing into their relationships.
I believe this is the best blog I have read yet. My wife supports my totally. Has bought me clothes, makeup, shoes, wigs everything. But I can’t seem to release the deep seated guilt and shame. I’m embarrassed to dress in front of her even though she loves and supports me and the single most patient, understanding person I’ve ever known. It sucks. Too many negatives. I don’t think I could ever tell my son. I can’t risk loosing our closeness.
Have you ever heard of Tri-Ess I have been a member since 2011. Tri-Ess is theoretically a support group for crossdressers but I know our group is accepting of every one. The group I belong to is in southern New Hampshire and we have members from all the New England states. So if you go to Tri-Ess and find the national chapter you can maybe find a local chapter near you.
Yep! It’s how I introduced my wife to the wider community. Winning a Halloween contest at a meeting as a pair of vampires see is a special memory. 😀
Im a crossdresser my gf loves it I started out small and she wanted me to show her more and I did and now we go shopping and other girlie stuff and she say she got her bff and bf to because she has a man who don’t mind shopping for dresses makeup and shoes and we can girl talk when something bother her because I understand and that open our relationship more to because the average man dont understand what women go threw but us cd and transgender women do I hope this help y’all gfs out there just do it slow XOXOX
I think the thing for all transgender women to keep in mind is , ” everyone’s journey and means to finding answers will be different “. There’s no manual for transitioning. It’s going to take lots of courage , and yes …support , to be successful. The encouragement of a significant other helps tremendously. No , it doesn’t require you to have a significant other to be happy , but it helps . Honesty is paramount. Talk , share , and listen , most of all . Find tidbits that work for you and devise a plan taylor made for YOU .
What a great idea.To have a woman go with you to get clothes and other feminine things.It makes the transition easier.It also eases the tension and allows one to get more comfortable.Yes,it is can be very uncomfortable going by oneself.
I love this advice and maybe someday I will take it and do I what I truly want.
Well I’m a single transgender women I’m also a lesbian. The last relationship I was in was in Jan of 2006. It was before I transitioned to where I’m at now Where still good friends, But I’m ready to be in a relationship again. But I don’t know how to go about it because I also have Aspeberger’s disorder and social anxiety. I want to get out there and meet new people make new friends and be in a loving and caring relationship. So is there any advice anyone can give me that would help.
I DID MEET SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET, i had a yahoo personnal site that i met the love of my life on. if you set up a site there you could find dates, i had a few there. a nice picture and a good profile is all you need.
ANNIE
I’M mildly autistic myself i see your problem as not knowing whom you want to be on a daily basis, if you are in boy mode they may not like your girl mode . so the problem is your not a 24/7 trans woman, why hide who you are?finding a life partner is hard for a trans but having friends is easy, the more friends you have increases your chances of finding somebody but honesty is the rock which relalationships are buildt on they fall in love with you so make sure its you they see
there is no magical place to meet people. but , you can meet people anywhere. If you put yourself out there, just being you, doing your thing, they will find you. most will be subtle, afraid to connect, afraid of rejection, you need to learn the art of body language to know the ones interested in you, we autistic people have problems knowing the signs of a person interested in us, what comes natural to most escapes us, a master in reading body language is a must for us.relationships are harder for us all so. best tip for that is communication both ways IS A MUST. don’t assume anything is true or false without talking about it. SO, AUTISTIC PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN COMMUNICATION SKILLS AND BODY LANGUAGE.
ANNIE
Well I’m full time female séance 2010 ruffle. I’m never in boy mode séance being on the HRT Nov 20th 2010. I’m just trying to figure out the whole dating thing and making new friends and don’t know where to go how to do it is all.
my last relationship almost died when the woman i was with realized i was turning into annie. it survived but was hurt by it. she rediscovered me a couple years later, but felt cheated that i wanted to be annie. she thought i was miss leading her. i won’t make that mistake ever again. if you meet somebody as a boy, make sure they know about the woman also to be fair to them before they fall for the boy you and feel trapped and disapionted when they see your a girl also. she died and i’m alone again, this time i’m 24/7 annie and no hiding who i am .
My first marriage didn’t go so well, well after all I was only 18 with a kid on the way. The second one just a year later.
The second went much better. She was accepting, and enjoyed teaching me about make-up and dressing. I guess it was all OK as long as I was a young woman. When I began acting like a more mature lady. That was the being of the end.
Now, close friends, female friends. But, no lover for the last few years. Well, accept those in my books like in “Identity”. Love stories in my head. I write about love nearly every night. I also, write about being transgender. And still finding love.
I guess I’m just a romantic. Not hopeless… a hopeful romantic.
I am totally a hetero glam-girl in my relationships with lovely MEN.
I have walked the catwalk in a nationally televised and national-newspaper covered Beauty Pageant in 2015 in Europe.
I get complimentary whistles from men every day when I walk down the street, and most days multiple such verbal compliments such as “Hey Blondie!! and “Wow, what boobies ! ”
I have bedded men from age 22 to age 70 in the last 2 years.
I LOVE to please MEN in my relationships.
Jennifer Lopezgomez, female model and trans female model. xx
I can see by your picture why the men want to be you and whistle! Wow! You are definitely hot and about as fem as they get! I am single and a CD for years but not out.. This guest lady talked only about married couples and I need advice from single girls like yourself.. How do I meet other CD’s or TGirls? I would much rather be with another girl than a guy any day! Too much hair for me! I love a smooth body, sexy lips and sex!!!