Are you afraid to step out as a woman for fear of not “passing?”
Instead of fixating on passing, my advice to crossdressers and transgender women has always been to try to “blend in” as a woman instead. (Read more on that topic here.)
But lately, I’ve been wondering… Is blending in REALLY the ultimate goal when presenting as female?
After all, why wear cute outfits, style your hair, or apply makeup if no one notices?
I think it’s a natural feminine desire to want to stand out and make a statement. Does your inner woman share this desire?
This is an interesting topic, and I’d love to hear your thoughts:
- Do you enjoy getting positive attention when presenting yourself as a woman?
- Or do you prefer to blend in and attract as little attention as possible?
Please take my poll and share your thoughts below!
Love,
Lucille
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I hope that I am blending in when I go out nowdays. I try always to look my best, wear comfortable clothes, no flamboyant makeup. My female friends say that I look great and that Make an attractive woman. I want to be accepted as who I am when I go out. I no longer care if I am made. I want to be me. And if me is this “woman” that I feel like I am then that is how it is. I used to be scared to go out during the day as myself but now I look for every chance that I can to get dressed up and go out in the world as a woman.
I don’t mind being noticed when I’m out. I always assume t’s because people have seen a stylish woman walking past them – albeit a bit ‘mature’. I always try to dress my age.
It seems to work as my wife is quite happy to be seen out with me.
I am an old woman now, but when I first went out, I was terrified I wouldn’t “pass”. I soon learned that I could go to most places and be myself, It was wonderful. When I went to shops or to church I wanted to simply blend in, and did fine. For extended outings where things could be more complicated I mostly went with a few close relatives and friends. They were loving and supportive, which increased my comfort zone and made me more bold. Later, I began to go to evening socials (with friends) and had the wonderful experience of meeting men who found me attractive. Two encounters were especially memorable. On those special occasions, I was glad to be noticed, but mostly, I was delighted to just blend in. Love, Melanie.
I used to worry about passing all the time. And I still do not want to stick out like a sore thumb, but I have relaxed a lot. I wear clothes that are comfortable and work on me (hide the flaws). I am no longer worried about passing, I want to be comfortable. And I noticed that I pass much better this way.
Callie
Dear Lucille,
To all who read the following comment, please understand that this was an exercise of discovery for me personally. I hope that everyone who takes the time to read it does a little bit of “soul searching” as well.
To blend or not to blend? That IS the question! Since day one, my goal has always been to “blend” as a woman. For me, my success as a TG woman has always been to absolutely passable as a woman. If not, then why continue with such an endeavor? Personally, I tried to achieve perfection at every level. I always felt that success or failure in any pursuit always hinged around the details. Areas of focus included but were not limited to, hair removal, skin tone and texture, finger and toe nails, hair, make-up, and clothing. Since I was not genetically female, these areas of focus were numerous and each had an almost infinite number of details that required my attention.
Unfortunately, I didn’t feel I could ever leave my house until I had done everything possible to achieve my goal and had not left any detail by the wayside. My pursuit of perfection more often than not, resulted in taking so much time that I missed out on any plans that I may have had. This of course, was extremely frustrating to me! Lately, I had began to question whether or not my “perfectionism” was actually realistic and necessary! After all, how many genetic females paid attention to details with which I tended to be obsessed?
With all modesty set aside, I have been able to achieve results that any TG woman and even some genetic women would proud of. I realized however, that I had to maintain my perspective, and despite my best efforts I was NOT genetically female! Regardless of what I could have accomplished in my endeavor, even if it included SRS; I would never be able to achieve something that could only come from birth-right. By accepting this fact, I have changed my way of thinking.
I voted for “Blending in” in the survey. However, I feel there is actually a balance that must exist between blending and not blending. To “step back” and look at being a TG woman with critical eyes, gives us a perspective that we probably would not have otherwise. Being “detail oriented,” I realized that reality dictated that a biological male, no matter how successful the results of a lifetime of hormone therapy and SRS, could ever become the “equivalent” of a genetic female. No matter how convincing, [and there are many examples of transsexuals who have been able to achieve phenomenal results] the closest scrutiny would always reveal a detail that stands out and represents the separation between man and woman. Therefore, one must ask themselves, “What exactly am I trying to achieve?”
The answer I came up with is relatively simple. “When I am in my female role, do I “forget” about my other “self” no matter how briefly it may be?” To achieve this “state of mind” I realized the importance of the way in which other people treated me. Therefore my follow-up question is, “When others see me, what exactly do they see, and can I be satisfied with that?” I began to realize that personal satisfaction for my efforts came from those who accepted me as I am, treating me with respect, regardless of whether they knew I was female or not. The truth is, if people look at me and say to themselves, “Wow, she(he) is really attractive,” then I have accomplished my goals. The only caveat to this leads to the next question that every TG person must ask themselves, “Exactly, WHO do I want to find me attractive?” If your answer is “everyone,” then re-evaluate your goals because the nature of our society dictates that some will ALWAYS take issue with individuals who are born with one sex and try to live in another.
Think about the transsexual who makes an appearance on a popular television talk show. The entire audience so it seems, is un-aware that the individual was born a man (or woman, to be fair to FTM individuals). Most don’t pay any attention to the small but revealing details. However, the reality is that most people are never exposed to the TG segment of our society and may never have even encountered such an individual. (Given the benefit of doubt, we can assume that all people today are aware that such individuals exist.) Once the “secret” is revealed by the host, pay close attention to the audience’s reaction. There is always a segment who will revolt regardless of how convinced they were initially when the individual was introduced. Let’s face it, there are many people who are quite content living in the confined space of their little world and don’t care to know about anything that exists outside that box. Once exposed to such things, it seems as though their brain becomes overwhelmed and goes into “shut-down” mode! Unfortunately, the consequence of this exposure can sometimes result in a violent reaction which, needless to say is very frightening!
Our society is continuing to evolve, so the tolerance and acceptance of individuals who at one time were considered to be on the fringes of “acceptable” society, are now being looked upon collectively with a different set of eyes. Personally, I grew up in an era that would traditionally “look down upon” individuals who had tattoos. Also, those who had an inordinate amount of piercings in their EARS… much less, their lips, nose, eyebrows, tongue, and places not visible under clothing! Furthermore, hair color which was anything other than blonde, red, or brunette was usually only reserved for Halloween! Today, how often do we encounter such individuals? It seems like every place we go, we encounter somebody who has modified their appearance in some fashion.
If you think about it, it seems as though the more “outrageous” an individual appears to be, the more likely we are to “let them be.” I guess it is like the old adage, “if you want to hide something, do it in plain sight.” As TG women, we would all like to be able to go about our daily lives with relative impunity. Yet, would that be the result of our ability to “pass” and “blend in” or, the way in which people in our society receive and accept who we are, despite our appearance?
Years ago, the average TG/TS made every effort to blend in; which was the result of an adverse reaction they may receive from other members in our society. As time went on, society progressed and began to tolerate and accept “special” individuals. If you truly examine that statement, you begin to realize how vast the segment of our population is comprised of “special” people! Our earliest history defined “special” people by nationality, skin color, and different religious beliefs. Then progressed to those with different socio-economic backgrounds and cultural beliefs. Don’t forget those with disabilities and even “diverse” sexual preferences.
I think, as we continue to debate this issue history shows, that society will continue to progress and we will begin to see the gap between “blending in” and “standing out”(being obviously TG) begin to close. However, in the meantime we must decide for ourselves what it is we would like to accomplish. In doing so, we must be very realistic about our goals. At the same time, we must take into account the rest of society and what it is willing to accept and tolerate.
For me personally, the number of times that I desire to be a genetic female are countless! However, reality dictates that this is an unrealistic goal even given the very best results of gender re-assignment. Consequently, I must accept that the very best I could do is to be “almost” woman. In order to achieve this I would have to go through some very radical and permanent changes, the cost of which is very high in so many ways. When I take into consideration the results of the very best that gender re-assignment could give me, would it actually be enough and would it really be worth all of the sacrifices I would have to make? In business terms, it is the ultimate “Cost/Benefit Analysis” and in business, the best decisions are always made when emotion is left out of the equation!
In conclusion, I have found my happiness in the ability to transition from male to a “representation” of a female, and back again, frequently and successfully. I also realize how fortunate I am to have been blessed with features that are neither decidedly male nor female. I guess this is something I was always meant to do. If I can do something that helps me “represent” being female, [making myself more passable as female, ultimately being able to “blend in”] by all means I am going to do that! Especially, if it doesn’t permanently alter my “other” lifestyle.
However, if I could “express myself” without the concern of reprisal from family, friends, and society as a whole, my efforts and desire to “blend in” would be greatly diminished. Without the benefit of having a magic wand, which would allow me to experience being a genetic woman and then change back again at will, then; I guess I’m doing the best I can!
I am sure it goes without saying that being a TG woman, our best “representation” of a genetic woman, has nothing to do with sex. I am sure every one has heard that, sex exists between the legs, but gender exists between the ears. The fact is, we are all human despite our representation of gender, so naturally sex is ever present. Yet, so many make the mistake of not drawing a distinction between the two. Since we are all ambassadors of our segment of the population; before we go out, we must be clear about what we want to achieve and how we are perceived by others. A little self respect helps us all!
Love to you,
Meryl
P.S. –
To all genetic women,
I can’t think of any higher compliment to one’s gender than the desire of others to emulate the female form. Think about it, the female form is pervasive in every aspect of our society and is the inspiration for so many things. Personally, I have never seen another creature on this earth that possesses the grace and beauty as that of a human female(Woman)! I love the saying, “God created man then, decided he could do one better and created woman!”
Wow, wish we could get together for a good discussion. You must be a conservative and yet open minded kind of woman. We share many of the same thoughts and views. It’s just a shame that not everyone is open-minded. That would be great.im a pretty conservative person, however I do believe that people have the right to represent themselves as how they want to be seen. I just hope someday that’ll be much more possible. Thanks for the read.
Meryl, you have put my thoughts and feelings into words! Wow this was awesome to me. Thank you.
I guess I should really keep it short and sweet, LOL!
VEry well put my dear ! esp the p.s portion .
I like to blend in while en femme, but since everyone always compliments me on my legs, I try and show those off a bit, wearing shorter skirts/dresses and nice heels. This way I also feel so much more feminine about my appearance. This gives me a more positive attiyude to be happy with myself and proud of my look.
Personally, I think both is actually how it should be. Without being able to pass it’s impossble to blend in, but i feel that if you stick out too muchyou’re open to being “read”as well as if you ty to stick to the shadowstoo much the same may happen.
Well i think in order to “blend in” you must be comfortable. I don’t think it is all about the looks. I believe there are just as many masculine looking females as there are feminine looking males, whether how they are dressed or not. I think that many gurls go out of their way to be more femme and that is where they tend to stand out. Not like a, “OMG, you’re a knock out” but “There is something different about that person”. A person stands out because of their, yes its true, their personality. It’s all about how you carry yourself that determines if you stand out or blend in. some of us are the life of the party and it doesn’t matter if we a wearing a potato sack and viking helmet or the latest Jimmy Choo’s. I said the 100% goal should be COMFORT. Be true to yourself and you will be that ultimate woman that you ARE